Chalk Talk....

We can’t get away from life sometimes! There is nothing within human power that a man or woman can do to alter God’s plan. He knows your life story, even before it happens – He knows exactly what will happen, and He in fact came up with the blueprint for each of our lives. There’s nothing we can do to stop it. We live, we learn, we crash, and we burn. Life is full of events that create images in our minds, whether they be blurry or as vivid as watching a television screen. These events will remain part of your memory for a good amount of time, especially those that were so vivid. Before I go any further – this is not directed towards anyone, but myself. I’ve wanted to do this for a while, and I’m finally able to write out what I’ve been thinking. I was encouraged by a friend of mine to do so, just for the heck of it. This isn’t to attack anyone, so fellow bloggers, or whoever may be reading, don’t take this personally. The names and people mentioned will remain unnamed.

For starters I’d like to admit that through many of my relationships or whatever you might call them, I have learned a lot. I was discussing this with a dear friend just last night. I have been through a lot, and a lot of what would not be considered healthy relationships. Through those unhealthy relations, I came to learn so very much about myself, as well as people and their actions. These things I’ve learned are things about what I can tolerate in a relationship, and what I cannot tolerate in a partner. Here is a little idea of those things; I will elaborate on them following the blog.

Can Tolerate:
A sensitive personality
Open Behavior in public
Open Ears
Comfortable With Me
Someone That Wants To Be Around Me
Honesty, even at the roughest of times (it shows character)


Can’t Tolerate:
Lying
Misleading Actions
A Failure to Communicate
Someone that doesn’t care what I’m doing
Someone that doesn’t want to really spend time together

Those are only a few of many things that I have come to realize. But to get started on things, so people don’t necessarily jump to conclusions right away. In regards to tolerating a sensitive girl, I said that because someone who is sensitive tends to have a caring nature and is concerned not only about her but with me as well. I can relate that to a situation I was in early 2007 to mid 2007 where those thoughts of knowing I had someone who cared about me, just made me feel so special. On the other hand in that situation, sometimes those understandings of “care” are totally misconstrued. In fact in that situation of early 2007 – I later realized (July 2007) that I was being mislead with actions and words, as well as lied to. It hurt a lot, but honestly, I don’t think God would have put me through that if he didn’t want to teach me a lesson. I believe he taught me a lesson of being careful where I put my heart, and before putting it all on the table, I need to analyze both sides of the relationship to be sure of what I am getting myself into.

Earlier on in my dating career, with one of my first girlfriends – I realized things about myself that either I needed to change or my future girlfriend might have to accept. Early in those days, things were all nice and cute, no drama, no complication or anything of that sort…. Until that first relationship ended I thought I had everything right, and I was going to be the best boyfriend the world could offer. But not according to her… the reasons for this break up was because I liked to spend time with her, because I was all about ‘flattering’ her and just treating her in the respect a guy should… well I was wrong in that, and that’s one thing I’ve learned – you’re probably assuming I’m about to say “I changed that about myself”… well the truth is I didn’t, that is one thing that I will refuse to change. My future girlfriend/fiancé/wife will have to accept that she will be treated like a queen. For a while after that happened it totally made me question myself and put sent some very puzzling thoughts to the pillow I would lay my head upon at night. This relationship was not only ended because of that, but also because a lack of honesty an overbearing acts of betrayal. Not on my part, but the other half’s. So in saying that – that girl out there, wherever she is…. She has to want to be around me, I can’t force it on her, but trust me if she doesn’t want me around, then I don’t want her around…. Adios muchacha!

So lessons, lessons, lessons….. life is full of them. Whether in regards to relationships, family, work, school, and even in faith.

Recently I put myself into a pretty awful situation that I totally look back at and wonder, “What the heck were you thinking?” I played a foolish man that was lonely and was desperate for some attention, so when that happens – I look in all the wrong places… In this case – a non-Christian girl who is in need (or likes) the attention too…. In this scenario – I was a fool for thinking this would fix any of my loneliness. Do random hookups even count for anything? No… it’s almost just an act of desperation on my part, desperation for the attention, desperation for the love and affection I wanted and longed for. You are probably saying aloud – “Are you kidding me?!” No I’m not.. I’m admitting that I struggle with that, I struggle with the fear of being alone for the rest of my life, I struggle with thoughts of depression at times (not drastic), I struggle with thoughts of just starting a whole new life and leaving everything behind, I struggle with the fact that I want the attention, that I want the love, HERE AND NOW and I can’t get it!

All I can do is pray about it, God has helped me cope with many of the mistakes I have made, some may consider them great and some may consider them petty. I’ve learned that whatever has happened or will happen is God ordained, and I can’t do anything to change that. If he’s got something that he wants me to know, I’m sure he will show me, whether it a smack on the wrist or a slight tap on the back.

That girl I want has to be right, I’m not settling for less, because too often have I found myself in rotten situations where I am not happy or satisfied and I am making exceptions for myself. I have spent too much time not listening to God while growing up, I’ve always been taught, male and female both shall be wed as Christians, and that a marriage that is between a non-believer and a believer is sinful and you should avoid that at all costs. Instead of taking what I’ve learned and rolling with it, I’ve made mistakes and not considered those things that I should have held dear to my heart. Going into a relationship from here on out (as of about 6 or 7 months ago) I can’t/won’t get involved in a relationship unless I was sure I could see myself with this person later down the road. And since then I have not dated a soul, and that’s where I believe the devil is attacking me, tempting me with these opportunities to enjoy the joys of love without being attached….. I’m sorry buddy, I ain’t fallin for it again….

Another dear lesson I’ve pulled together from my list of experiences is that a relationship that I delve myself into cannot be an immediate boyfriend/girlfriend deal; it has to be friendship based first. For any girl that I date, I want them to know everything there is to know about me as well as my life before they commit to making themselves a part of it, even before the simple stage of just being a girlfriend. Too many times I saw myself just jumping into things, and those times are the times that I was out as quick as I came! Things just ended in a jiffy. Did it happen often? Not really, but when it did, I learned. I learned how to value a friendship above all else, and that before I could commit to a serious relationship, I would need to commit to a serious friendship beforehand.

Friendship is very important and dear to me. It hurts to lose those close to me and I will do everything in my power to keep them a part of my life. There are points in time, where you can do nothing but clench your teeth at the thought of not being able to talk to a friend again. Losing people is one of the things that I hate most, but sometimes, in some cases it is inevitable. I mean, what can you do? ....Just pray....Pray for the best...

This probably sounds like a super crazy broken down version of Dr. Phil for our generation. I don’t mean to bash anyone or anyone’s opinions about the subject if there are any….. Please feel free to comment on the blog, I’d love to hear what you guys have to say!

Much love to all of you for listening – I appreciate your time.